Seeing RED

You want to know what infuriates me? Seeing a news headline that says “Authorities say a 19-year-old woman gave birth at a restaurant where she worked and put the newborn into a trash bag”.

Do you know why that infuriates me? Here I am, sticking myself with needles EVERY SINGLE DAY, trying SO FUCKING HARD to get pregnant and bring a child into this world and we have these sick FUCKS who carelessly get pregnant and give birth in random bathrooms and throw their fucking newborns in the trash and leave them to die.

“The coroner says the child would have likely survived had he not been put in the trash.”


How about we beat the fucking shit out of these people and throw them in a dumpster and leave them to die. I think that’s fair enough treatment, right?? How come we never hear what the outcome is for these sick fucks after they are arrested??


If you don’t want your child, there are millions of people out there who will happily take that child and give it a good life. MYSELF INCLUDED.

*End rant*


Cocktails & Gonal – F


So last night I had to attend a cocktail reception with my husband after work in the city. After days of complaining that I had nothing to wear due to my weight gain this past year (meds, stress eating/drinking) and being insecure due to my crazy hormones and bloatedness (is that a even a word?) I finally found a nice dress to wear, put my big girl panties on (a.k.a my spanx) and went to the party.

My husband, B, is in Construction. Senior Project manager for commercial construction. This party was to celebrate a few things but one was for the work that they all did in building a beautiful new building for a medical drug manufacturer who are working on finding the cure for cancer (no, for real…you just wait). This company is also one of the manufacturers for our IVF meds (crazy, right?).

My husband has become very close, personally, with the Construction Manager for this big drug manufacturer and I’ve met him and his wife and we now spend a lot of time together. When B & I received our meds for our first round of IUI, we saw the manufacturer for our Ovidrel trigger shot and were STUNNED!! That’s our buddy, T’s, company!! B excitedly called T to tell him about our journey and he was so excited for us and told us so many positive stories about friends he knows who have gotten pregnant with the meds. SO EXCITING!!

Back to the party. I met this lovely couple, J & K. J works for the construction group of this drug manufacturer as well. T (B’s buddy) comes over to ask how i’m doing as he knows that I was starting my first round of IVF meds last week. He asks when I start the Gonal-F injections (a product of their company) and I tell him, Sunday. He whispers in my ear “can I tell J & K?”. Confused as to why he wants to tell them, I say OF COURSE! Why not? I have nothing to hide…but I certainly don’t want any sympathy!!

T tells J & K that I’m about to start Gonal-F and K (J’s beautiful wife) SCREAMS with excitement and then grabs me and HUGS me SO tight. She let go of me and said “Both of our pregnancies were through IVF”.


I can’t even tell you how I felt that at that moment.

Like I wanted to cry (stupid hormones).

Like I wanted to spill every single emotion to her at that moment….fear, hope, jealousy, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness….you get the picture.

After trying to hold back tears for a few minutes while hearing J & K’s journey, I finally pulled myself together to talk to K about everything. What a wonderful woman. She was so raw and real with me. Trust me I NEEDED THAT SO BADLY!! No one else, other than my other friend K who is going through her 2nd round of IUI, know’s what the hell I’m going through and I feel like I can’t talk to many people about it. Letting it all out last night was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

Needless to say, leaving the party last night, I felt a whole new sense of relief and hope.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever see J & K again but I’m so grateful for our chance meeting. I wish they knew how much of an impact they really made on me in just one night.¬†Grateful that they weren’t ashamed to share their story with me and try to life my spirits and encourage me and push me to keep moving forward.


It truly goes to show that you really don’t ever know what people are going through or have gone through in their life.


Another day, another baby announcement (not mine…obvi)

This morning has been a little rocky. My meds have my stomach upset, I’m nauseous, I have a nasty headache AND I have some major hot flashes going on (WOOF!!). Let me just tell you that my office is normally FREEZING. I’ve been sitting here with my cardigan off and my fan blowing in my face. So normal.

Anyways…I decided to scroll through my Facebook news feed and once again I get to see someone else’s adorable birth announcement. Trust me, I am so happy for these people. A baby is truly a blessing. But W.T.F. WTF!!!!!!!!!!! These people got married 6 months ago. Am I just assuming they got pregnant right away? YUP!! Who knows…maybe they tried getting pregnant before their wedding and have struggled like we have struggled. My initial reaction – jealousy.

How do I stop myself from feeling that way? I don’t have a fucking clue! Someone please help me because I’m starting to feel like a real ass hole when I hear the news that someone else is pregnant!!