Seeing RED

You want to know what infuriates me? Seeing a news headline that says “Authorities say a 19-year-old woman gave birth at a restaurant where she worked and put the newborn into a trash bag”.

Do you know why that infuriates me? Here I am, sticking myself with needles EVERY SINGLE DAY, trying SO FUCKING HARD to get pregnant and bring a child into this world and we have these sick FUCKS who carelessly get pregnant and give birth in random bathrooms and throw their fucking newborns in the trash and leave them to die.

“The coroner says the child would have likely survived had he not been put in the trash.”

FUCK THAT.

How about we beat the fucking shit out of these people and throw them in a dumpster and leave them to die. I think that’s fair enough treatment, right?? How come we never hear what the outcome is for these sick fucks after they are arrested??

FUCK THAT.

If you don’t want your child, there are millions of people out there who will happily take that child and give it a good life. MYSELF INCLUDED.

*End rant*

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Forever Friends

Yesterday was my 2nd day of all 3 shots – Lupron (day 12), Gonal F and Menopur. Today, I am physically EXHAUSTED. B & I went to bed at 8:15 last night. How is that possible? Well, apparently it’s possible. I went to do my Lupron shot at 5am and I literally looked at the needle and said “i’m so sick of this”. I just have to keep telling myself that this is all worth it. I know it is…of course I know it is. That hope is still there.

I had to bring my Mom this morning for minor outpatient surgery. As I sat in the waiting room on my computer doing some work, I was inter-office IM’ing with one of my friends regarding a work topic. She then tells me that she and my other friend have noticed that I’ve been really quiet and keeping to myself lately. They figure it’s because one of them, M, just announced her pregnancy at the end of last month. (The pregnancy that I had a mental breakdown about from my first post).

Side note: I’ve been friends with these two girls for almost 20  years and lived with both of them, separately, at some point in those years. We all met in college. Crazy but so awesome that I get to work with my besties every day!

So I explain to K that I’ve definitely been keeping to myself but it has nothing to do with M’s pregnancy. Is it hard for me? Of course it is but M is one of my best friends and I need to put my feeling aside and be supportive and let her know that no matter what I’m going through, that i’ll be there for her, 100%. Then I go on to tell K that I’ve been going through a lot the past few weeks and I’ve started the IVF process and all these meds have me on this crazy ride. Hot flashes, mood swings…but for the past couple of days, pure EXHAUSTION. Plus, I don’t need ANYONE’s sympathy. I don’t want anyone feeling bad for me. SO…i’ve been keeping to myself. This is M’s happy time…not C’s (me) emotional roller coaster time.

So then I start feeling bad that M thinks I’m avoiding her and that I’m not happy for her.

Not the case. AT ALL.

So I reach out to M. My yaya. I tell her I would never want her to feel like I wasn’t happy for her. I tell her that I never want her to feel like she can’t talk to me about this amazing time in her life!

Little did I know that she was about to reach out to me to see how I was doing…because she’s been thinking about me and knew that I would be starting the IVF process soon.

Great minds think alike!!

Goes to show that in the end, no matter what you or your friends are going through, that you / they will ALWAYS be there for each other…NO MATTER WHAT. I’m so grateful for that.

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Menopur Monday

I’ve really been beating myself up lately for the weight that I’ve gained since starting this journey. I’m definitely a stress eater and I take 100% responsibility for that. I’ve been telling myself that maybe i’m not getting pregnant because of that extra weight.

I had my first ultrasound yesterday, Sunday, July 16th, to make sure I was on the right track since starting the Lupron and before I started the Gonal – F & Menopur injections last night. As I sat in the crowded waiting room (yes, crowded…even on a Sunday) I looked around at all the women waiting to get called in. Tall, short, heavy, skinny, black, white…you get the picture. All struggling with some sort of infertility. Did it make me feel better about the extra weight? Not really…but it made me not be so hard on myself for it.

I did have a moment while waiting to be called in. A woman came in for her appointment with her husband and her daughter. By the looks of it I assumed her daughter was around 2 years old. Beautiful little girl with blonde curly hair. In looking around when this little girl walked in, you could see every woman’s expression on their face change. The look of WANT. That look that I often have while at a store or waiting room when I see a newborn, infant or child. The look I had while grocery shopping on Saturday with my husband when someone walked by with a newborn in its carriage. That newborn crying with that pure innocent newborn cry. My eyes welled up and that instant feeling in my chest of emptiness and want burning inside.

Man these meds are making those feelings TEN TIMES stronger with my roller coaster hormones right now.

Back to the office…what I really felt at that moment…this chick really should have left her child at home with her husband or babysitter. All of these INFERTILE women, longing for what she has, in this fertility office. It just didn’t feel right. I told my husband those feelings and he laughed. He probably thought I was a bitch for saying it but OH WELL. I’m allowed to have my own feelings.  Maybe she had her first through IVF. Maybe it was sign for all of us, a glimmer of hope? Maybe she’s struggling for #2.

Maybe I shouldn’t assume.

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Cocktails & Gonal – F

TGIEFFINFRIDAY! 

So last night I had to attend a cocktail reception with my husband after work in the city. After days of complaining that I had nothing to wear due to my weight gain this past year (meds, stress eating/drinking) and being insecure due to my crazy hormones and bloatedness (is that a even a word?) I finally found a nice dress to wear, put my big girl panties on (a.k.a my spanx) and went to the party.

My husband, B, is in Construction. Senior Project manager for commercial construction. This party was to celebrate a few things but one was for the work that they all did in building a beautiful new building for a medical drug manufacturer who are working on finding the cure for cancer (no, for real…you just wait). This company is also one of the manufacturers for our IVF meds (crazy, right?).

My husband has become very close, personally, with the Construction Manager for this big drug manufacturer and I’ve met him and his wife and we now spend a lot of time together. When B & I received our meds for our first round of IUI, we saw the manufacturer for our Ovidrel trigger shot and were STUNNED!! That’s our buddy, T’s, company!! B excitedly called T to tell him about our journey and he was so excited for us and told us so many positive stories about friends he knows who have gotten pregnant with the meds. SO EXCITING!!

Back to the party. I met this lovely couple, J & K. J works for the construction group of this drug manufacturer as well. T (B’s buddy) comes over to ask how i’m doing as he knows that I was starting my first round of IVF meds last week. He asks when I start the Gonal-F injections (a product of their company) and I tell him, Sunday. He whispers in my ear “can I tell J & K?”. Confused as to why he wants to tell them, I say OF COURSE! Why not? I have nothing to hide…but I certainly don’t want any sympathy!!

T tells J & K that I’m about to start Gonal-F and K (J’s beautiful wife) SCREAMS with excitement and then grabs me and HUGS me SO tight. She let go of me and said “Both of our pregnancies were through IVF”.

WOW.

I can’t even tell you how I felt that at that moment.

Like I wanted to cry (stupid hormones).

Like I wanted to spill every single emotion to her at that moment….fear, hope, jealousy, anxiety, sadness, hopelessness….you get the picture.

After trying to hold back tears for a few minutes while hearing J & K’s journey, I finally pulled myself together to talk to K about everything. What a wonderful woman. She was so raw and real with me. Trust me I NEEDED THAT SO BADLY!! No one else, other than my other friend K who is going through her 2nd round of IUI, know’s what the hell I’m going through and I feel like I can’t talk to many people about it. Letting it all out last night was like the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders.

Needless to say, leaving the party last night, I felt a whole new sense of relief and hope.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever see J & K again but I’m so grateful for our chance meeting. I wish they knew how much of an impact they really made on me in just one night. Grateful that they weren’t ashamed to share their story with me and try to life my spirits and encourage me and push me to keep moving forward.

GRATEFUL.

It truly goes to show that you really don’t ever know what people are going through or have gone through in their life.

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Another day, another baby announcement (not mine…obvi)

This morning has been a little rocky. My meds have my stomach upset, I’m nauseous, I have a nasty headache AND I have some major hot flashes going on (WOOF!!). Let me just tell you that my office is normally FREEZING. I’ve been sitting here with my cardigan off and my fan blowing in my face. So normal.

Anyways…I decided to scroll through my Facebook news feed and once again I get to see someone else’s adorable birth announcement. Trust me, I am so happy for these people. A baby is truly a blessing. But W.T.F. WTF!!!!!!!!!!! These people got married 6 months ago. Am I just assuming they got pregnant right away? YUP!! Who knows…maybe they tried getting pregnant before their wedding and have struggled like we have struggled. My initial reaction – jealousy.

How do I stop myself from feeling that way? I don’t have a fucking clue! Someone please help me because I’m starting to feel like a real ass hole when I hear the news that someone else is pregnant!!

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My journey…so far!

As I sit here on Day 6 of Lupron during our first IVF attempt (and 2 previous IUI’s), I can’t help but look back at the days where making sure I didn’t get pregnant before I was married was one of my concerns. I’ll never forget a few months before my husband and I got engaged, my period just never came for one month. I FREAKED out one week into it thinking “my Father is going to kill me!!”. There I was, a 34 year-old grown ass woman, living in a house she & her boyfriend just bought together, worrying about what my Father would think if I was pregnant before I got married. HA!! B & I will be celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary in September…along with 2 years of trying to get pregnant.

Let’s just say, “trying” to get pregnant is not as fun as it sounds after a while. I was always told “timing is everything”. Oh really? Not effin for us! All we did was “timing”. It became a job. “Hey babe, i’m ovulating, time to have sex!”. Over and over and over and over. Well maybe if we do it 4 days before I ovulate, or 3 days, or 2…always MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.

We finally started meeting with my doctor about 7 months after starting to try. Tests and more tests and more tests. So much fun…NOT. “Unexplained Infertility”. I’m sorry, what? There’s nothing wrong with either of us but we just can’t get pregnant? WHAT?

Anyways…nothing felt more exciting than starting our first round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). We finally had medical help!! I was so happy that I was FINALLY going to be pregnant. Something I’ve dreamt about since I was a little girl. Cycle Day 1 starts….butterflies! Multiple appointments, Clomid, Ovidrel shot, IUI. 2 weeks later…period. WOMP. I balled my eyes out ALL. DAY. LONG.

Later that night, B & I put M to bed (B’s 8 year-old daughter from his 1st marriage) and I sat on the couch and cried. B – the best husband in the world, but doesn’t deal well with emotions – asks me “Why are you so upset?” WHY AM I SO UPSET?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS HOLE!!!

Once I caught my breath I was finally able to spit out “I had so much hope with the medical help we were getting that I thought for sure that this was going to work”. Then I probably spewed a few nasty comments to him about how insensitive his was and then finally went to bed.

The next day some of the hope returned as I knew I would be starting Round 2 of IUI right away. That night B & I went to dinner and talked a lot about the process. B apologized for being an insensitive A HOLE and I forgave him. I know he means well, I just wish he would have given me a hug and told me that everything was going to be okay. MEN!

We go through our 2nd IUI and I feel NOTHING. We go skiing with my family over Christmas break. B & I get home on New Years day 2017, and I instantly take a pregnancy test. EFFIN PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally RAN from our bathroom on the 2nd floor to the kitchen where B was, screaming “BABE”, and just stood there with my mouth wide open with the test in my hand and finally got out “I’M PREGNANT”! The day I’ve been waiting for my WHOLE LIFE. PREGNANT! Holy shit. Our lives are going to change forever. FINALLY!!!

One of the best parts about finding out we were pregnant was that one of my best friends had just found out 2 weeks prior that she was pregnant. IT WAS MEANT TO BE. S & C prego together!! This was going to be awesome! Once I told her we talked EVERY DAY about how we were feeling, symptoms, appointments, etc. I couldn’t wait for the summer to be fat and prego on the beach with her. S due in August, C due in September. Happiness!!

Multiple appointments later for blood tests, we finally get to go in for an ultrasound and see our “sac”. Well wouldn’t you know, the doc couldn’t find it!! We were devastated. They literally sit there and make you think that your pregnancy isn’t a viable one, send you home and have you come back two days later for another ultrasound. Two days. No big deal, right? Two days = PURE HELL. Tears upon tears, no focus at work, no sleep.

Two days later we go in…THERE IT IS!! That little sucker is already giving us a run for our money!! LITTLE SHIT!! They see the sac and fetal pole…and think that we probably didn’t get pregnant with the IUI…that we got pregnant ON OUR OWN a few days later! We were THRILLED!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were told to go home and come back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat. We go home, tell my sweet 8 year-old step-daughter, who mind you has been BEGGING for a sibling for the past 4 years! Tell our parents and siblings. OVER THE MOON!

2 weeks comes and goes like watching paint dry. We finally have our appointment to hear the heartbeat. We go inside the room and get ready. Smiles on our faces, hearts beating out of our chest, ECSTATIC….

NOTHING.

No sac, no heartbeat, no nothing.

Nothing but “I am so sorry but you lost the baby”. Our pregnancy was no longer viable. I was about to have a miscarriage any day now.

*WORLD CRUMBLES*

As we sit there trying to figure out WTF happened, the doctor tells us our options:

  • surgery
  • Take a pill to start the miscarriage
  • just wait it out for it happen naturally

We chose option 2. The pill. I’ll spare you the details of the physical stuff that happened the next week but by the far the worst was the emotional part. Telling our family. Telling M!!! Oh my goodness. Our little girls dreams were just crushed. Ugh!

Crying myself to bed. EVERY. NIGHT.

Once the physical pain went away, B & I decided that we needed a break. A break from doctors. A break from all that medicine. I mean, I definitely gained at least 5-10lbs during those few months. Just a break, mentally. It took me a while to move forward, emotionally, with everything. One of the hardest parts was putting a smile on my face whenever I was around my bestie, S. Her pregnancy moving along perfectly…and mine, non-existent. That was a tough pill to swallow. Of course I was THRILLED for her and SO happy…it was so hard knowing we wouldn’t be going through this journey together.

The next few months got better with time. Being around M always helped me forget about everything…most of the time. B & I spent a lot of alone time together when M was with her Mom. Just enjoying life. We skied more, loved more, ate & drank more (clearly since my pants didn’t fit after a while, ugh!!!).

There was still something missing.

We hoped and tried to get pregnant on our own during that time…but it didn’t happen. Even though I have an amazing husband and step-daughter. There was something missing. I longed for the day that I had my own child. Why is it so hard to get pregnant?!

June comes along and we meet with the Fertility doc again to discuss skipping a 3rd IUI treatment and going right to IVF. Holy overload of information. We left the hospital with our heads spinning BUT that hope had returned.

Fast forward to June 25th, 2017 – Cycle Day 1! The nurse tells me to start my birth control and then I’d start my daily Lupron injections on Friday, July 7th. EXCITING!!!!!!!!!! Right?? Yes, very exciting but HOLY HORMONES. My poor husband.

Side note: About 4 days after I start my BC, one of my other besties announced her pregnancy. THRILLED for her. 110,000%. Did I have a mini-breakdown? Yup. Is that selfish of me? MAYBE! In the end I will ALWAYS be happy for my friends. Happy that it was easier to conceive for them, happy that their dreams are coming true, happier that they don’t need to go through this. HAPPY! BUT…why not me?

**Double Side note: I have another bestie (yes I have lots!), K, who just started her 2nd IUI cycle. I’m SO beyond thankful that I have her to talk to about all of this stuff. Sometimes it feels like a lonely journey. ALTHOUGH…I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through ANY of this because it fucking SUCKS**

Here I am today, July 12th, 2017, Day 6 of my injections and I figured maybe sharing my story might do the following:

  • help me release some hormonal rage that I’m dealing with right now
  • be there for someone else who might be thinking about or going through the same thing and not having anyone to talk to about it
  • Maybe make someone laugh (not at the serious stuff, duh, but maybe at me trying to make a little light out of some of it…when I can actually do that!)

Either way, this will be my channel to release some stress and tell my story.

Thanks for reading!

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