I’ve really been beating myself up lately for the weight that I’ve gained since starting this journey. I’m definitely a stress eater and I take 100% responsibility for that. I’ve been telling myself that maybe i’m not getting pregnant because of that extra weight.
I had my first ultrasound yesterday, Sunday, July 16th, to make sure I was on the right track since starting the Lupron and before I started the Gonal – F & Menopur injections last night. As I sat in the crowded waiting room (yes, crowded…even on a Sunday) I looked around at all the women waiting to get called in. Tall, short, heavy, skinny, black, white…you get the picture. All struggling with some sort of infertility. Did it make me feel better about the extra weight? Not really…but it made me not be so hard on myself for it.
I did have a moment while waiting to be called in. A woman came in for her appointment with her husband and her daughter. By the looks of it I assumed her daughter was around 2 years old. Beautiful little girl with blonde curly hair. In looking around when this little girl walked in, you could see every woman’s expression on their face change. The look of WANT. That look that I often have while at a store or waiting room when I see a newborn, infant or child. The look I had while grocery shopping on Saturday with my husband when someone walked by with a newborn in its carriage. That newborn crying with that pure innocent newborn cry. My eyes welled up and that instant feeling in my chest of emptiness and want burning inside.
Man these meds are making those feelings TEN TIMES stronger with my roller coaster hormones right now.
Back to the office…what I really felt at that moment…this chick really should have left her child at home with her husband or babysitter. All of these INFERTILE women, longing for what she has, in this fertility office. It just didn’t feel right. I told my husband those feelings and he laughed. He probably thought I was a bitch for saying it but OH WELL. I’m allowed to have my own feelings. Maybe she had her first through IVF. Maybe it was sign for all of us, a glimmer of hope? Maybe she’s struggling for #2.
Maybe I shouldn’t assume.