As I sit here on Day 6 of Lupron during our first IVF attempt (and 2 previous IUI’s), I can’t help but look back at the days where making sure I didn’t get pregnant before I was married was one of my concerns. I’ll never forget a few months before my husband and I got engaged, my period just never came for one month. I FREAKED out one week into it thinking “my Father is going to kill me!!”. There I was, a 34 year-old grown ass woman, living in a house she & her boyfriend just bought together, worrying about what my Father would think if I was pregnant before I got married. HA!! B & I will be celebrating our 2 year wedding anniversary in September…along with 2 years of trying to get pregnant.

Let’s just say, “trying” to get pregnant is not as fun as it sounds after a while. I was always told “timing is everything”. Oh really? Not effin for us! All we did was “timing”. It became a job. “Hey babe, i’m ovulating, time to have sex!”. Over and over and over and over. Well maybe if we do it 4 days before I ovulate, or 3 days, or 2…always MAYBE MAYBE MAYBE.

We finally started meeting with my doctor about 7 months after starting to try. Tests and more tests and more tests. So much fun…NOT. “Unexplained Infertility”. I’m sorry, what? There’s nothing wrong with either of us but we just can’t get pregnant? WHAT?

Anyways…nothing felt more exciting than starting our first round of IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). We finally had medical help!! I was so happy that I was FINALLY going to be pregnant. Something I’ve dreamt about since I was a little girl. Cycle Day 1 starts….butterflies! Multiple appointments, Clomid, Ovidrel shot, IUI. 2 weeks later…period. WOMP. I balled my eyes out ALL. DAY. LONG.

Later that night, B & I put M to bed (B’s 8 year-old daughter from his 1st marriage) and I sat on the couch and cried. B – the best husband in the world, but doesn’t deal well with emotions – asks me “Why are you so upset?” WHY AM I SO UPSET?? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? YOU’RE SUCH AN ASS HOLE!!!

Once I caught my breath I was finally able to spit out “I had so much hope with the medical help we were getting that I thought for sure that this was going to work”. Then I probably spewed a few nasty comments to him about how insensitive his was and then finally went to bed.

The next day some of the hope returned as I knew I would be starting Round 2 of IUI right away. That night B & I went to dinner and talked a lot about the process. B apologized for being an insensitive A HOLE and I forgave him. I know he means well, I just wish he would have given me a hug and told me that everything was going to be okay. MEN!

We go through our 2nd IUI and I feel NOTHING. We go skiing with my family over Christmas break. B & I get home on New Years day 2017, and I instantly take a pregnancy test. EFFIN PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I literally RAN from our bathroom on the 2nd floor to the kitchen where B was, screaming “BABE”, and just stood there with my mouth wide open with the test in my hand and finally got out “I’M PREGNANT”! The day I’ve been waiting for my WHOLE LIFE. PREGNANT! Holy shit. Our lives are going to change forever. FINALLY!!!

One of the best parts about finding out we were pregnant was that one of my best friends had just found out 2 weeks prior that she was pregnant. IT WAS MEANT TO BE. S & C prego together!! This was going to be awesome! Once I told her we talked EVERY DAY about how we were feeling, symptoms, appointments, etc. I couldn’t wait for the summer to be fat and prego on the beach with her. S due in August, C due in September. Happiness!!

Multiple appointments later for blood tests, we finally get to go in for an ultrasound and see our “sac”. Well wouldn’t you know, the doc couldn’t find it!! We were devastated. They literally sit there and make you think that your pregnancy isn’t a viable one, send you home and have you come back two days later for another ultrasound. Two days. No big deal, right? Two days = PURE HELL. Tears upon tears, no focus at work, no sleep.

Two days later we go in…THERE IT IS!! That little sucker is already giving us a run for our money!! LITTLE SHIT!! They see the sac and fetal pole…and think that we probably didn’t get pregnant with the IUI…that we got pregnant ON OUR OWN a few days later! We were THRILLED!!!!!!!!!!!!! We were told to go home and come back in 2 weeks to hear the heartbeat. We go home, tell my sweet 8 year-old step-daughter, who mind you has been BEGGING for a sibling for the past 4 years! Tell our parents and siblings. OVER THE MOON!

2 weeks comes and goes like watching paint dry. We finally have our appointment to hear the heartbeat. We go inside the room and get ready. Smiles on our faces, hearts beating out of our chest, ECSTATIC….

NOTHING.

No sac, no heartbeat, no nothing.

Nothing but “I am so sorry but you lost the baby”. Our pregnancy was no longer viable. I was about to have a miscarriage any day now.

*WORLD CRUMBLES*

As we sit there trying to figure out WTF happened, the doctor tells us our options:

  • surgery
  • Take a pill to start the miscarriage
  • just wait it out for it happen naturally

We chose option 2. The pill. I’ll spare you the details of the physical stuff that happened the next week but by the far the worst was the emotional part. Telling our family. Telling M!!! Oh my goodness. Our little girls dreams were just crushed. Ugh!

Crying myself to bed. EVERY. NIGHT.

Once the physical pain went away, B & I decided that we needed a break. A break from doctors. A break from all that medicine. I mean, I definitely gained at least 5-10lbs during those few months. Just a break, mentally. It took me a while to move forward, emotionally, with everything. One of the hardest parts was putting a smile on my face whenever I was around my bestie, S. Her pregnancy moving along perfectly…and mine, non-existent. That was a tough pill to swallow. Of course I was THRILLED for her and SO happy…it was so hard knowing we wouldn’t be going through this journey together.

The next few months got better with time. Being around M always helped me forget about everything…most of the time. B & I spent a lot of alone time together when M was with her Mom. Just enjoying life. We skied more, loved more, ate & drank more (clearly since my pants didn’t fit after a while, ugh!!!).

There was still something missing.

We hoped and tried to get pregnant on our own during that time…but it didn’t happen. Even though I have an amazing husband and step-daughter. There was something missing. I longed for the day that I had my own child. Why is it so hard to get pregnant?!

June comes along and we meet with the Fertility doc again to discuss skipping a 3rd IUI treatment and going right to IVF. Holy overload of information. We left the hospital with our heads spinning BUT that hope had returned.

Fast forward to June 25th, 2017 – Cycle Day 1! The nurse tells me to start my birth control and then I’d start my daily Lupron injections on Friday, July 7th. EXCITING!!!!!!!!!! Right?? Yes, very exciting but HOLY HORMONES. My poor husband.

Side note: About 4 days after I start my BC, one of my other besties announced her pregnancy. THRILLED for her. 110,000%. Did I have a mini-breakdown? Yup. Is that selfish of me? MAYBE! In the end I will ALWAYS be happy for my friends. Happy that it was easier to conceive for them, happy that their dreams are coming true, happier that they don’t need to go through this. HAPPY! BUT…why not me?

**Double Side note: I have another bestie (yes I have lots!), K, who just started her 2nd IUI cycle. I’m SO beyond thankful that I have her to talk to about all of this stuff. Sometimes it feels like a lonely journey. ALTHOUGH…I wouldn’t want anyone to have to go through ANY of this because it fucking SUCKS**

Here I am today, July 12th, 2017, Day 6 of my injections and I figured maybe sharing my story might do the following:

  • help me release some hormonal rage that I’m dealing with right now
  • be there for someone else who might be thinking about or going through the same thing and not having anyone to talk to about it
  • Maybe make someone laugh (not at the serious stuff, duh, but maybe at me trying to make a little light out of some of it…when I can actually do that!)

Either way, this will be my channel to release some stress and tell my story.

Thanks for reading!

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