9/11 – A day we will never forget…with new meaning

16 years ago today, everyone’s lives changed. This day always brings feelings of sadness for what happened on that day in 2001 and for all the lives that were lost. It’s also a day that I remember a true hero.

Welles Crowther.

Welles went to Boston College with my brother.

Welles was on the 104th floor in the South Tower when the first plane hit. He called and left a message for his Mother and said that he was okay. He was waiting on the 78th floor lobby of the South Tower, waiting to evacuate, when the the second plane hit.

Instead of trying to save his own life, he helped save others and then lost his life when the tower collapsed.

A TRUE AMERICAN HERO. The Man in the Red Bandana.

Never Forget:

 

Today also brings more sadness for me. Today was my due date for my first pregnancy. I should be getting ready to have my first baby right now. Instead, I sit here wondering what could have been.

BITTERSWEET.

Sad but thankful that I’m pregnant again right now.

9/11. NEVER FORGET.

Another year older…and another week Pregnant

I turned 38 on September 4th. I never thought I’d be childless at 38 years of age. Yes I am TRULY very lucky that I have an amazing little girl in my life who is my stepdaughter but it’s not the same. I’m also very lucky that I am still currently pregnant after my IVF cycle. The past 2 weeks have been filled with excitement and anxiety. We had our 6 week check and everything was great. We went back yesterday for our 8 week check and I was filled with so many emotions.

Last time I was pregnant I walked in there with my husband SO excited and we couldn’t wait to see the heartbeat and our baby. Our dreams were crushed that day. Although I was doing my best to stay positive up until yesterday, it was really hard. B & I were optimistic since we had such a great appointment 2 weeks ago. But there was still that fear. The second I sat on that table I started to feel like I was going to throw up (or poop my pants, really!).

The doctor came in and asked if I was ready. I said “I GUESS!”. I laid down, took a deep breath and stared at the screen waiting to see our baby.

THERE IT IS!!!

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Our little peanut! The heart flutters were amazing to see too.

For some reason I thought it would be bigger but I’m not complaining!! He/She is right where it’s supposed to be.

I can breathe again…for now LOL!

I am 8 weeks tomorrow and have an appointment with my OB in 3 weeks.

Walking out of the doors at the Fertility Clinic was bittersweet. I had been seeing them for the past year and a half. They had become my family. I couldn’t believe that was (hopefully) the last time I’m going to see them for this pregnancy.

We still have a long way to go but we are excited and hopeful. Only time will tell!

Yolk sacs & heart flutters

We had our 6 week ultrasound yesterday. Last time we were pregnant, this ultrasound didn’t go well. They couldn’t find anything. They sat there with these long sad faces and made you feel like your pregnancy was not viable and to come back in two days and see if we can see anything.

I was weirdly calm all day. I guess i’m at the point where I know there’s nothing we can do and it’s all in God’s hands. By the time I pulled into the hospital parking garage, my stomach started doing flips. I was excited but so nervous.

B & I got into the room and I changed and the nurse left us. It was a weird moment. It was in the same room where we found out that I miscarried. B was standing in the same spot and we were both very quiet. I told him he needed to move because he was giving me a bad omen lol!

The doctor and the nurses came into the office. They threw me completely off guard. They were all smiles and saying Congratulations. I guess I didn’t expect that since we were so nervous and haven’t really been able to enjoy the “happy” moments of being pregnant.

It was finally time.

I put my feet in the stirups and took a deep breath…

B & I were anxiously staring up at the screen hoping to see that yolk sac. We saw the sac and I started to get nervous. The doctor kept talking and talking and not saying what we wanted to hear. I don’t think I was breathing at this point.

Next thing you know the doctor says…”yup and there’s the yolk sac. Beautiful. You can even see a little bit of the fetal pole”.

I could breathe again. HUGE sigh of relief. HUGE!

Then all of a sudden she says “normally at this point we can’t hear the heartbeat or see anything on that end but it looks like we can see little heart flutters…see??”.

I couldn’t see anything but B could and he was in AWE. Then all of a sudden I saw it. It was SO amazing. AMAZING.

Is this real? Is this really happening? Of course I started to tear up. What an amazing moment. Definitely nothing we’ve experienced before. Our last pregnancy was such a roller coaster and obviously we know how that ended.

We were told to come back in 10 – 14 days to hear the heartbeat. Everyone was thrilled for us. Hugs and more congratulations. I don’t think that I could have smiled any bigger. WHAT. A. FEELING.

I know we still have a ways to go but we are cautiously optimistic. One big milestone down…a thousand more to go lol! Fingers crossed and lots of positive prayers!!!!!!

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It’s been a week and a day since we found out I’m pregnant. Thursday is our first ultrasound. I’m not going to lie…I’m like a nervous nelly every second of the day. This doesn’t feel like the last time I was pregnant. Why am I not feeling crampy today? Why am I not tired today? Why did my boobs stop hurting? Am I going to miscarry again?

I am 5 weeks and 4 days today. I’m not even sure that when I make it through to my 2nd trimester if I will feel a sense of relief.

Is this normal? Has anyone else gone through this? Does anyone have any suggestions on how do deal with this before I drive myself CRAZY?!

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Mixed Emotions

Our HCG blood test was this past Monday. Even though I took MULTIPLE pregnancy tests last weekend that were positive, I was still nervous. My appointment was at 7am and the wait for that phone call was like watching paint dry. Tick tock tick tock. I finally got the call at 2pm.

IT WORKED. I’m pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I’ve been having a lot of mixed emotions the past few days.

ECSTATIC. Thrilled. Happy. Grateful. Relieved…

Petrified. Scared. Afraid.

Last time I miscarried at 8 weeks.

I know I need to stay positive and think happy thoughts. I’m trying…trust me.

One minute I’m planning a cute way to announce our pregnancy when that time comes. The next minute i’m frozen in fear thinking about our baseline ultrasound and the ultrasound 2 weeks after that….and all the other appointments up until I make it to my 2nd trimester.

I feel selfish for not feeling happy about this 24/7. I think about how far we’ve come the past two years. I’m so grateful that i’m even able to get pregnant. I’m grateful that God has given me another chance to have a baby. I know there are so many women out there who struggle to even get pregnant once.

Is this a normal feeling?

For now i’ll continue to get some rest, go for long walks, relax as much as I can and continue to stay positive….

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Roller Coaster

Yesterday was 8 days post-embryo transfer and I go in next Monday, the 14th, for my blood test. I’ve been anxious every day. Am I pregnant? Am I not pregnant? What is that cramp? I’m spotting a little…am I getting my period?

It’s been TORTURE.

Yesterday B & I went out and bought a pregnancy test. I knew that IF I am even pregnant, there would have been a good chance we would have gotten a negative result on the test being that it might have been too soon to find out. I prepped myself not to get upset if it was negative.

Well wouldn’t you know……………….it said I’M PREGNANT!!

I screamed at the tops of my lungs and jumped up and down and cried. What a sense of relief I felt. Knowing I really didn’t need to stress too much waiting until Monday.

So today I wake up, go to work, do my normal stuff. Next thing you know I’m sitting at my desk and start feeling period cramps. Lower back cramps.

WTF

I go to the bathroom and I’m spotting. Okay…nothing to worry about. They said it’s normal to spot here and there. No big deal. DON’T STRESS.

My cramps don’t go away. I got back to the bathroom to see whta’s going on. BLOOD. Dark blood. Way more than just spotting. BLOOD.

I start to Panic and call B. Then I called my doctor.

I had to admit to my IVF nurse that I took a test yesterday and it was positive. She got really excited for me. She thinks that this bleeding is normal. She tried to call me down and told me that she knows this whole thing is scary….the whole thing. I laughed and said yes and started to cry.

She said to get rest this weekend and come in on Monday for my blood test. If it gets any worse, to call back….but she thinks everything is okay. Ever since, some cramping but no blood. That’s good right? I feel like i’m losing my mind. Why does this have to be SO HARD.

This is by far the BIGGEST roller coaster ride i’ve ever been on….

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Epic Meltdown

I’ve been resting ever since the embryo transfer on Wednesday. B’s been THE BEST. Giving me my progesterone shots every night.

My boss is on vacation so I am working from home today. At 9:30am a sudden wave of PURE PANIC came over me.

I had forgotten to start my estrogen patches yesterday.

EPIC MELTDOWN

I ran downstairs to the dining room to where all my meds are, RIPPED open my box of estradiol patches and put two on….all while shaking, crying and screaming “oh no oh no oh no oh no”…thinking that I completely fucked this whole thing up.

It’s been SIX WEEKS since I started this process…SIX WEEKS of pills and shots and egg retrieval and an embryo transfer. SIX WEEKS and I could have fucked everything up by missing my estrogen dose.

I frantically called B. He didn’t answer but texted me that he was in a meeting. I told him what happened and he tried to call me down as much as he could over text and told me to call the doctor.

I finally pulled myself together and called. The nurse called back 10 minutes later. She said not to worry, I didn’t screw anything up and to just start the patches today.

I didn’t fuck it up. Everything is okay.

I definitely cried tears of joy.

PHEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So…now we wait. ONE MORE WEEK. To see if all of this worked.

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Transfer Day!

Yesterday, August 2nd, was my embryo transfer day. Here is our little embryo that could….

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Isn’t it a beauty?! Honestly…B & I had no clue what we were looking at but the doctor explained the whole thing to us lol!! Either way, we are SO excited. I was pretty much in bed all day yesterday. Groggy from the valium and swollen from the transfer. I stayed home today to get more rest. This will be the longest 12 days EVER.

TWELVE DAYS.

Of wondering what’s going on, if the blastocyst has hatched correctly and is growing how it should inside of me. Wondering if I’m staying healthy and doing everything right to make sure that this works. I know that it’s all in God’s hands.

To be honest, I’m PETRIFIED. I know this will work, I just keep telling myself. When we get that positive pregnancy test, of course I will be SO happy, but that comes with a lot of anxiety due to my previous miscarriage.

I’m not sure that I’ll rest easy until the day that we finally have a live birth.

So much for the excitement and anticipation that comes with having your first baby. It’s turned into one scary ride for us.

Side note: the night before our transfer, B gave me my progesterone shot in my butt, and we were both excited thinking that was my last shot for this whole cycle.

NOT!!!

I have to continue them until our pregnancy test. When our test comes back positive (positive thinking and praying here!!!) I have to continue those shots until I’m 10 weeks pregnant.

OUCH. These hurt. Not necessarily during since I’ve learned to numb the area with ice first. But definitely after…for days. Sore sore sore!!

Anyways…now we wait…for 12 days. Lots of prayers and positive thinking….

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Scrambled Eggs

Last week we were getting ready for our egg retrieval. Multiple appointments, ultrasounds, blood work, etc etc etc. At that point I had turned into a human pin cushion! We finally got the call on Wednesday that we would be moving along with egg retrieval this past Friday. We were THRILLED!!

Friday morning arrives, the nerves set in. I get prepped for surgery, go into the operating room, and next thing you know I am hearing the doctors and nurses calling my name and telling me that I’m all done!

When I finally come to, the wonderful nurse whispers in my ear:

“We retrieved SEVENTEEN eggs! Normally we are happy to get about 8 – 10 eggs, so you did great!”

SEVENTEEN EGGS!! Holy CRAP!!

Needless to say I’ve been a little more sore than I’ve expected and didn’t do much this weekend. Lots of rest.

The worst part about the weekend – waiting for THE CALL from the doctors office on Saturday to find out if we had any fertilized eggs. Around noon time, my husband finally dragged me out of the house. It was good to get me moving. We went to do some errands. As we walked around Shaw’s grocery shopping, I held my phone in my hand and repeatedly stared at it as we walked up and down the aisles like a lunatic lolol!!

As we were checking out of the grocery store, my phone started to ring. I RAN to an area where I could not only hear, but pull out my pen and paper.

The nurse said “We have great news!”. WOOHOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Out of the 17 eggs, 14 were mature. Out of the 14 mature eggs, TEN fertlized!!!!

TEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was SO happy. Once I finally explained everything to B, we got in the car and started driving out of the parking lot and I started to bawl my eyes out.

Legit ugly cry.

I was so happy. Happy! Thankful! Grateful! THRILLED!!!

We will have our embryo transfer on Wednesday. FINGERS CROSSED!!!

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Completely and Utterly Exhausted

During the summers at work, we have work from home Friday’s. It’s amazing. I live 40 minutes, with no traffic, from my office. My fertility doctors is right near my office. So when the doctor told me on Wednesday that I had to come back on Friday morning for my monitoring appointment (ultrasound & bloodwork), those dreams of sleeping in today (after my 5am Lupron shot and then back to bed) were over.

My alarm clock went off at 5am so I could do my shot. Then I had to shower and get in the car, drive all the way into Boston. I had my quick appointment, got back in my car and drove all the way home. Needless to say I was back home and sitting in my kitchen by 8am.

*BIG YAWN*

I had an acupuncture appointment last night. I’m telling you, if you’re going through this process and you haven’t tried acupuncture, you really should. I’ve been exhausted and have had some really bad headaches. I felt like a new person after my appointment last night. I’m definitely still tired today but I don’t feel as horrible as I have the past few days with all these meds pumping through my body.

ALTHOUGHHHHHH after my Gonal F shot last night, I started my Menopur shot and the second I tried to inject the meds, the site of the injection started to BURN. Ouch. Those menopur shots have been the hardest this week. They hurt more than the others for some reason and I’ve started to bruise. I threw my needles into my sharps container and had a breakdown.

THIS. IS. EXHAUSTING. The whole entire process.

I just need to keep my eyes on the prize. Stay positive.

I’m doing the best I can…

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